first comes love...

i know i haven't done a blog post in forever, which is really bad since i need to keep this up, but life has been so crazy! who would've thought that planning a wedding (that only lasts on day, might i add) would take so much time and energy! not to mention everything i was doing to get finished up with school and graduated....thank goodness that's over!!

so the wedding is only 2 weeks away and i can't believe how fast time has flown...it's unbelievable how fast it's been! everything happens all at once! and we are so ready for it to happen, minus a few minor details of course...thank goodness for everyone who is involved with the wedding and keeps putting me at ease. i think i must keep convincing myself that there are things to stress over, but it never lasts too long. (chris would think differently i'm sure he.he)

i just needed to blog today to just reflect on my thoughts, i guess, about how preparing for a marriage is leagues beyond preparing for a wedding. it's amazing to me to think how long i've known chris and how many things we are still learning about, and i have a feeling it's going to take us at least a lifetime to figure it out. we do have eternity so i guess it's okay.

chris did find us a place to live, like a mentioned a couple months ago, and we're all moved in except for me and my clothes, which i guess i'll be alright with that for now. i know i need to take pictures of it, especially since i rearrange things in decor so often, but i have been a total slacker! we're just so excited for this wedding to be over and for us to start this crazy journey.

i know i'm speaking on behalf of someone else, but i can truly say how sincerely blessed we feel by all the love and generosity people have shown us during the past 6 months. i just hope that chris and i can reflect that in some small way to others as well. we are so happy and so ready! and i cannot wait to marry this man!

chris, the best is yet to be....

this picture was taken by chris' cousin when we were sophomores. how great is this?

Acceptance.Happiness.

let me just start by saying, i'm truly the happiest right now that i've been in my entire life. never before have i felt that i finally know what/who i am, i know how to identify my feelings, and i know what i deserve....i know i'm not all the way where i need or want to be, but it's so close i can feel it!!! i just want 2011 to get here!! it's kind of crazy how life works out...now i don't believe in coincidences. i believe that everything happens when it's supposed to happen, or i guess i should say when our heavenly father wants it to happen. it's weird how we get answers to prayers, but so great when we recognize them as what they are, which are answers....in better words, life seems way too good to be true right now, and i have a hard time accepting that that's what i deserve...but it is the best.scariest.happiest.thrilling feeling to have, and i truly have never been happier....

now i want to share something that the wonderful Jenny Morrow gave me that i just love and really can't get enough of her and her incredible being. she is truly one of the most quality people i've ever met, which shouldn't surprise me seeing as Jules is her sister, but it's just so amazing to me how inspiring these two can be!

btw, Jules cd release was on Friday, {preview here} and it's been in my cd player in my car since the day i got it. i am so proud of you Jules and really so happy for you....i know that you have worked so hard and are so exhausted, but gear up for your future because i can tell you this is just the beginning...

now for some words from a book given to me by Jenny....

Recognition is the first principle of transformation. When we are stuck in our life, we must begin with the willingness to see what is so. It is as if someone were to ask us gently, "Hey, what is really happening now?" Do we reply brusquely, "Nothing?" Or do we pause and acknowledge the reality of our experience, here and now?

With recognition we step out of denial. Denial undermines our freedom. The diabetic who denies his body's illnesses is not free. Neither is the driven, stressed-out executive who denies the cost of her lifestyle or the self-critical would-be painter who denies his love of making art. The society that denies its poverty and injustice has lost a part of its freedom as well. If we deny out dissatisfaction, our anger, our pain, our ambition, we will suffer. If we deny our values, our beliefs, our longings, or our goodness, we will suffer.

There is a powerful opening that comes whenever we truly recognize what is so. "The emergence and blossoming of understanding, love, and intelligence has nothing to do with any outer tradition. It happens completely on it's own when a human being questions, wonders, listens, and looks without getting stuck in fear. When self-concern is quiet, in abeyance, heaven and earth are open."

With recognition our awareness becomes like the dignified host. We name and inwardly bow to our experience: "Ah, sorrow; and now excitement; hmmm, yes, conflict, and yes, tension; oh, now pain, yes, and now, ah, the judging mind." Recognition moves us from delusion and ignorance toward freedom. "We can light a lamp in the darkness," says Buddha.

We can see what is so.

happy.thanksgiving

i'm finally in a good place...i feel happy, truly happy. mariah and i were talking this week and i feel like finally everything is going the way it's supposed to be. now i know that sounds crazy because everything is always like that, but i think i must be finally accepting the way things are going and that alone is leaving me with a more positive outlook on life itself. the lack of negativity and self-doubt help to make life easier and more enjoyable....imagine that?!

this week is going to be fantastic! dana and sean are both coming home tomorrow for thanksgiving...we're all running a 5k on thanksgiving morning {brrrrr} and of course going shopping at midnight like all the crazies do, which i'm totally okay with! then a full weak of laughing and playing with family and friends...best of all, no work and no school for 5 days straight! i know i probably sound like i'm way over exaggerating how great that alone will be, but i need this break and this nice little time to breathe!

i honestly can't believe how fast this year has flown by! the other day i bought my day planner.calendar for 2011 and was filling it out, and seriously am blown away by how much has happened in the past year and yet how fast it is disappearing...but i do have to say that i'm very much looking forward to the new year beginning....i thought 2010 would be on of the most life altering years of my life, and it was...but in a completely different {and dare i say, 'better'} way than i know i was thinking it would a year ago....

i'm going to post these pictures that we had taken by swensen.photography and we just got the copyrights for to show how much i love my family and couldn't have made it through this year without them....

i hope everyone has a memorable thanksgiving and doesn't forget to whom we must ultimately show all of our gratitude....for these things, i am thankful....

p.s. i just got news that our school is closing tonight on account of a blizzard!!! and we get our hours for it?!?!? i'm tellin' ya....

CTM

yeah it's tough
most girls would have been crushed
wasting their time, wondering where they went wrong
no way, not me, i'm doing just fine

it's easy
going out on friday nights
it's easy every time i see him out
i can smile, live it up the way a single {girl} does
what he doesn't know
is how hard it is to make it look so easy

the truth is
i miss lying in those arms of his
but i don't ever let it show
i laugh and act like i'm having the time of my life
as far as he knows

it's easy

what he doesn't know

is how hard it is to make it look so easy

"sometimes we are forced in directions we ought to have found ourselves...what we do does not define who we are. what defines us, is how well we rise after falling."

missing you, it comes and goes in waves

but what is constant
is wanting to be with you

no one else but you...

identify your coping mechanisms....{jenny morrow}

a coping mechanism is a strategy used to deal with suffering, discomfort, fear, abandonment, and pain. they are natural, "mortal" responses (fight, flight, & freeze responses) created in out childhood for emotional (& sometimes physical) survival. if they were not created by and used by a child, the child would be overwhelmed. a coping mechanism is a way to construct boundaries to protect the personality.

the problem is that most of us continue these coping mechanisms into adult life, which then continues an erroneous pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are use whenever the person is in discomfort (their perception of being physically or emotionally unsafe). the result is that the situation or problem creating the discomfort is not evaluated as an adult but is reacted to through historical (child) thinking. the person reacts to a situation as if it is the same unsafe situation it was in childhood. ["i am afraid of men."] the true event is lost in the coping mechanism reactivity which re-enforces the feelings of fear even when the situation is safe. the focus then is upon the doing of the mechanism to stay safe. this prevents taking in new information, awareness, and feelings that would provide the ingredients to a rational response.

the following reflects many of the common coping mechanisms carried over from childhood by adults (or created later in life in response to emotional overwhelm that is still viewed from helpless, childlike perspective).

deny having a problem.WITHDRAWAL.rationalizing.FORGETTING.sleeping a lot.CREATING CHAOS.hiding behind partner.OUT-OF-BODY.not sleeping.REPEATING ABUSE.avoiding men.DEPRESSION.avoid discussing abuse.ANXIETY ATTACKS.feeling guilty.BLAMING SELF.blaming others.NEGATIVE SELF-TALK.victim of life.DISTRUST OTHERS.physical problems.OVEREATING.under-eating.ANGRY OFTEN.crying inappropriately.ACT CONFUSED OR DUMB.substance abuse.PASSIVE BEHAVIOR.underachieving.OVERACHIEVING.dissociating.TRANCE.self-mutilation.HYPER-VIGILANCE/EASY TO STARTLE.overspending.HOARDING.suicidal thoughts.PROMISCUOUS.act out violently.OVER-EXERCISING.take what is said or done personally.STAYING BUSY TO AVOID FEELING & THINKING.need to be in a relationship to feel okay.UNABLE TO DEFINE WHAT I NEED OR WANT.rigid and controlling behaviors-coercion, advice giving, manipulation, acting helpless.IGNORE PROBLEMS OR PRETEND THEY AREN'T HAPPENING-DENIAL OF IMPACT, EFFECT, OR IMPORTANCE.will not set boundaries in relationships to insure my rights are respected.SEXUAL ISSUES IN MARRIAGE.staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships

-Jenny Morrow/Licensed Individual, Marital, Family, & Group Therapist

she's really such an amazing person and everything she says to me or talks to me about, i am continually amazed with how right on she is! i love her and i love seeing her.....well on a totally different note....

a vintage poster has quickly turned into a fav of mine. i ordered and received this poster below, but of course in the {butter.yellow} color...i think it will be perfect for right over my crafting desk.station.corner!

another thing that i have been loving so much is this sign that i made that goes above my bed...i got the idea from blogger 'julie parker photography' who got her idea from blogger amy at 'sweet sweet life'...

this one above is amy's...

this one above is julie's...


and these above are of mine....taken via blackberry and in awful lighting, but i'm in LOVE with it!!! it puts me in the best mood every time i go into my bedroom....

all of this room modifying has come from lil' mariah who has been obsessing literally over getting to move into dana's bedroom and decorate it just how she wants. luckily, i had a night off of school last week so we went shopping...we started off with a few baked goods from kneaders, headed to ikea, and of course ended up at a shoe store....i love her though...definitely my best friend, well one of them at least...



no we didn't buy those hats, but we definitely should have....

you know, i wrote a big long post that was, to be honest, just venting about so many of my thoughts and emotions all in a nutshell of 3 paragraphs really, but all that really matters is that i'm happy...i'm happy because of the people in my life who love me for exactly who i am...and for that i am so happy and can't thank those people enough...life is good...

i know it will be great, but that comes with time right?

after all, what could be happier than the months during the year that it's football season? it really doesn't get a lot better than that...

running {outside}...

so here's the honest truth...working out is like the hardest thing ever for me to do. i can't make myself enjoy it. i don't know what my problem is but i can't. the part that drives me crazy is jogging for what seems like forever on a darn treadmill.

so naturally, i blamed my shoes. so what did trev get me for my birthday? probably the best gift ever and most motivating, a gift card for new running shoes!

so now you may ask, how are these shoes ever going to be put to good use? well i figured out my main problem. the problem is i need to run places where i want to run...which means yes, i need to run outdoors where i can observe real things, not pace myself on a machine that i'd rather throw out the gigantic reflective window staring me back in the face as i do my pathetic runs...

my plan to run outside?...one 5K every weekend through October...can it be done? i am very confident and my first one is this saturday and i'm pretty freakin excited about it. so if you're one who hates to run, try running outside...it's already changing my perspective on the sport and i love it!

a special thank you to trevor, i truly would not have done this without you...i love you!

Birthdays...

as we approach the month of March, it always without fail makes me think about my birthday. of course that makes sense since that is the month that i was born, but it's so weird to think about how fast we get older.

last year, when i turned 20, i can honestly say that i felt different. i don't know how different i felt, but it was the kind of different where you still say your a year younger by accident (what some people might call denial, i call a reality check). that was a reality check and this year even more so...

21

some people might also say that this number shows no significance to those of us who choose to use our age for good, not evil, but it is a big step. you receive power from a number, and with power does come responsibility. the power of 21 is a power that a lot of people choose to not use responsibly, which we can only expect...what i want to know is why people desire this age so badly? when has anyone ever had to lie about their age to get in anywhere except to get the senior special on the early bird buffet?

it makes me think of everything that's going on in my life and where it's all going to go. i do have to say, that the past year has kind of been like a 'groundhog' day kind of year where i go to work, proceed to school, go to church, repeat process...of course in between the repetition there's been a lot of inconsistency in the boy scene, but that was made extremely consistent as well as of last November.

now i don't want to be too confusing because i don't want to come off as a complainer. i'm so happy with myself and my life and the way it's going, but at the same time i hate the feeling that it's not going anywhere. i know it is, i know it, but i can't help but think that it's just standing still in a sense.

i need a pick-me-up, an epiphany, a discussion, ANYTHING that would change this pattern that i seem to be living day by day. maybe it's my fault because it does seem like the only thing that i'm waiting around for it to change is my relationship, but that's a whole lot of reliability on another person and nothing that i can really control. i did shave my legs and that made me feel a whole lot better, but i need something different that i can look forward to, that can get me excited, and get me out of this lull/rut that i feel like i'm living in (i'm extremely open to suggestions by the way)...

i just want to figure out the significance of this number, because it's creeping up on me fast and it does make me feel a little weird, so it'll be interesting to see if anything happens i'd say...

i had to post this picture of the Jimas' twins first birthday...here's to 21 plus more you two!

Vancouver 2010

i love the time every four years when it's the winter olympics, once again. i love that no matter what i'm going to most likely enjoy having the tv on to watch them. i love most of all, that everyone turns into 'judges' if you will. well, we all turn into either self-proclaimed judges, or we decide that we have to get out and do these activities more since they make it look so easy and look like so much fun!

i hope everyone enjoys these olympics as much as i have so far, and that you all watch as much of them as you can...

(picture taken by rachel thurston)

For those of you that know me, know that i am obsessed with Rachel Thurston and her photo work. As she explained in her blog, she had a special opportunity to do some photo work with some of the U.S.A. athletes and their coaches which i found extremely cool! You can check out all of what she did and more details here...

Bird & Banner

As everyone knows, i love things that people make by hand and through so much creativity and then sell them, and this website is just that. These two have made all different sorts of invitations (mostly wedding) and sold them for unreal prices. All of their orders are custom and they are incredible. Check them out though because they really are inspiring...