stuck like glue {the beginning...}

if you can believe it, these are only a few pictures from our lives growing up together, and these don't even go back to the very beginning...but this gives you a lil 'idea of how much we truly love one another and how much we always will...

now this is what i call the best christmas ever!

now i know this will seem like this happened faster than anyone could even blink really, well that's because it did. if you asked me two months ago if i ever thought i would even be able to have a decent conversation with this person, let alone fall back in love and be engaged, i would've sworn up and down no way.....but God does have a plan for us, and i in fact do NOT believe in coincidences. everything happens the exact way it's supposed to as long as you are in tune and follow those little promptings that until later, you don't even realize were actually promptings from a much greater power than we could ever fathom....

i love you chris....and i know that we will have our own share of struggles, but everyday i'm with you is better than the day before....and i find the most comfort in knowing that with every day getting better and better, that the last day of our lives, will truly be the best day of our lives....

happy 2011!!!

doesn't get much better....

Acceptance.Happiness.

let me just start by saying, i'm truly the happiest right now that i've been in my entire life. never before have i felt that i finally know what/who i am, i know how to identify my feelings, and i know what i deserve....i know i'm not all the way where i need or want to be, but it's so close i can feel it!!! i just want 2011 to get here!! it's kind of crazy how life works out...now i don't believe in coincidences. i believe that everything happens when it's supposed to happen, or i guess i should say when our heavenly father wants it to happen. it's weird how we get answers to prayers, but so great when we recognize them as what they are, which are answers....in better words, life seems way too good to be true right now, and i have a hard time accepting that that's what i deserve...but it is the best.scariest.happiest.thrilling feeling to have, and i truly have never been happier....

now i want to share something that the wonderful Jenny Morrow gave me that i just love and really can't get enough of her and her incredible being. she is truly one of the most quality people i've ever met, which shouldn't surprise me seeing as Jules is her sister, but it's just so amazing to me how inspiring these two can be!

btw, Jules cd release was on Friday, {preview here} and it's been in my cd player in my car since the day i got it. i am so proud of you Jules and really so happy for you....i know that you have worked so hard and are so exhausted, but gear up for your future because i can tell you this is just the beginning...

now for some words from a book given to me by Jenny....

Recognition is the first principle of transformation. When we are stuck in our life, we must begin with the willingness to see what is so. It is as if someone were to ask us gently, "Hey, what is really happening now?" Do we reply brusquely, "Nothing?" Or do we pause and acknowledge the reality of our experience, here and now?

With recognition we step out of denial. Denial undermines our freedom. The diabetic who denies his body's illnesses is not free. Neither is the driven, stressed-out executive who denies the cost of her lifestyle or the self-critical would-be painter who denies his love of making art. The society that denies its poverty and injustice has lost a part of its freedom as well. If we deny out dissatisfaction, our anger, our pain, our ambition, we will suffer. If we deny our values, our beliefs, our longings, or our goodness, we will suffer.

There is a powerful opening that comes whenever we truly recognize what is so. "The emergence and blossoming of understanding, love, and intelligence has nothing to do with any outer tradition. It happens completely on it's own when a human being questions, wonders, listens, and looks without getting stuck in fear. When self-concern is quiet, in abeyance, heaven and earth are open."

With recognition our awareness becomes like the dignified host. We name and inwardly bow to our experience: "Ah, sorrow; and now excitement; hmmm, yes, conflict, and yes, tension; oh, now pain, yes, and now, ah, the judging mind." Recognition moves us from delusion and ignorance toward freedom. "We can light a lamp in the darkness," says Buddha.

We can see what is so.

happy.thanksgiving

i'm finally in a good place...i feel happy, truly happy. mariah and i were talking this week and i feel like finally everything is going the way it's supposed to be. now i know that sounds crazy because everything is always like that, but i think i must be finally accepting the way things are going and that alone is leaving me with a more positive outlook on life itself. the lack of negativity and self-doubt help to make life easier and more enjoyable....imagine that?!

this week is going to be fantastic! dana and sean are both coming home tomorrow for thanksgiving...we're all running a 5k on thanksgiving morning {brrrrr} and of course going shopping at midnight like all the crazies do, which i'm totally okay with! then a full weak of laughing and playing with family and friends...best of all, no work and no school for 5 days straight! i know i probably sound like i'm way over exaggerating how great that alone will be, but i need this break and this nice little time to breathe!

i honestly can't believe how fast this year has flown by! the other day i bought my day planner.calendar for 2011 and was filling it out, and seriously am blown away by how much has happened in the past year and yet how fast it is disappearing...but i do have to say that i'm very much looking forward to the new year beginning....i thought 2010 would be on of the most life altering years of my life, and it was...but in a completely different {and dare i say, 'better'} way than i know i was thinking it would a year ago....

i'm going to post these pictures that we had taken by swensen.photography and we just got the copyrights for to show how much i love my family and couldn't have made it through this year without them....

i hope everyone has a memorable thanksgiving and doesn't forget to whom we must ultimately show all of our gratitude....for these things, i am thankful....

p.s. i just got news that our school is closing tonight on account of a blizzard!!! and we get our hours for it?!?!? i'm tellin' ya....

CTM

yeah it's tough
most girls would have been crushed
wasting their time, wondering where they went wrong
no way, not me, i'm doing just fine

it's easy
going out on friday nights
it's easy every time i see him out
i can smile, live it up the way a single {girl} does
what he doesn't know
is how hard it is to make it look so easy

the truth is
i miss lying in those arms of his
but i don't ever let it show
i laugh and act like i'm having the time of my life
as far as he knows

it's easy

what he doesn't know

is how hard it is to make it look so easy

"sometimes we are forced in directions we ought to have found ourselves...what we do does not define who we are. what defines us, is how well we rise after falling."

missing you, it comes and goes in waves

but what is constant
is wanting to be with you

no one else but you...

i.love.my.mariah

what should be an extremely hard week has been an exceptionally good week...there's definitely a lot of different people to thank for that especially my heavenly father and the constant companion he is. but i do have to thank mariah. she's not only my sister, but most literally one of my 6 eternal best friends who is truly there for me whenever i need her. i love her and i love all my family for that matter!

i had not only one but two conversations on the phone with dana this week which was a nice change of pace and made me so excited for her to come home. she's such an inspiration and it was so fun to hear her voice and all of her stories. plus, she's a great listener which is what i needed. she's coming home in less than two weeks too!!!! yay!

constance, jory, jules, katrina, breck, curtis, becca....just to name a few more who deserve special thanks you's...

also i have to thank someone else, but i'm not sure if i'm ready for this person to make their debut on my blog just yet, but this person has been so great and understanding and patient and more than i could ever deserve or ask for and all the above...

for all these things {people}, i'm grateful!

let me leave you with this...

"for a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. you want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. a kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air... when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything."

- grey's anatomy-

happy.halloween!!

halloween has never been my favorite holiday, but it's definitely during my favorite time of year. i never want the fall colors to stop. in hair. in the trees. in fashion. it's easily my favorite time of year so i hope it sticks around for another second or two. one thing i do like about halloween however is the pumpkin carving...mmm it's my favorite so {mariah} and i carved out lil' jack.o.lanterns this week. we named them mario and luigi. luigi{mariah's} on the left, mario{mine} on the right.

it ended up being a good weekend though. lately i've been really disciplining myself to not let things eat away at me forever and to just move on. i had two instances that really tested my own self-control and awareness to talk myself out of a bad mood and put myself into a good one. i couldn't do it without friends and people to talk to. it's incredible what talking about it can do and help so much! i know this will sound funny, but to blast the music and sing really loud in your car is a great medicine. you don't care who sees or even hears it, all you're thinking about it getting whatever is keeping you down out of your mind and focused on other things.

i did go out to lunch with two great friends that i haven't seen in forever whose blogs you can see here {katy} and {jules}... i went on two fun dates this weekend with two different fun guys and to breakfast with {breck} on saturday at ruth's diner, so i'd say my weekend was filled with friends and no dressing up {thank.goodness}. i can't believe it's november!

by the way, {jules} convinced me to run in the salt.lake.city.marathon in april so i have my training schedule and i'm ready to go! 26 miles is freaking far though....

i did purchase another poster/print to frame and put in my room. i think it's wonderful and i really do love it. plus, i think EVERYONE needs this reminder almost every day...you can find more like it here at {nick.agin's} etsy online shop.

identify your coping mechanisms....{jenny morrow}

a coping mechanism is a strategy used to deal with suffering, discomfort, fear, abandonment, and pain. they are natural, "mortal" responses (fight, flight, & freeze responses) created in out childhood for emotional (& sometimes physical) survival. if they were not created by and used by a child, the child would be overwhelmed. a coping mechanism is a way to construct boundaries to protect the personality.

the problem is that most of us continue these coping mechanisms into adult life, which then continues an erroneous pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are use whenever the person is in discomfort (their perception of being physically or emotionally unsafe). the result is that the situation or problem creating the discomfort is not evaluated as an adult but is reacted to through historical (child) thinking. the person reacts to a situation as if it is the same unsafe situation it was in childhood. ["i am afraid of men."] the true event is lost in the coping mechanism reactivity which re-enforces the feelings of fear even when the situation is safe. the focus then is upon the doing of the mechanism to stay safe. this prevents taking in new information, awareness, and feelings that would provide the ingredients to a rational response.

the following reflects many of the common coping mechanisms carried over from childhood by adults (or created later in life in response to emotional overwhelm that is still viewed from helpless, childlike perspective).

deny having a problem.WITHDRAWAL.rationalizing.FORGETTING.sleeping a lot.CREATING CHAOS.hiding behind partner.OUT-OF-BODY.not sleeping.REPEATING ABUSE.avoiding men.DEPRESSION.avoid discussing abuse.ANXIETY ATTACKS.feeling guilty.BLAMING SELF.blaming others.NEGATIVE SELF-TALK.victim of life.DISTRUST OTHERS.physical problems.OVEREATING.under-eating.ANGRY OFTEN.crying inappropriately.ACT CONFUSED OR DUMB.substance abuse.PASSIVE BEHAVIOR.underachieving.OVERACHIEVING.dissociating.TRANCE.self-mutilation.HYPER-VIGILANCE/EASY TO STARTLE.overspending.HOARDING.suicidal thoughts.PROMISCUOUS.act out violently.OVER-EXERCISING.take what is said or done personally.STAYING BUSY TO AVOID FEELING & THINKING.need to be in a relationship to feel okay.UNABLE TO DEFINE WHAT I NEED OR WANT.rigid and controlling behaviors-coercion, advice giving, manipulation, acting helpless.IGNORE PROBLEMS OR PRETEND THEY AREN'T HAPPENING-DENIAL OF IMPACT, EFFECT, OR IMPORTANCE.will not set boundaries in relationships to insure my rights are respected.SEXUAL ISSUES IN MARRIAGE.staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships

-Jenny Morrow/Licensed Individual, Marital, Family, & Group Therapist

she's really such an amazing person and everything she says to me or talks to me about, i am continually amazed with how right on she is! i love her and i love seeing her.....well on a totally different note....

a vintage poster has quickly turned into a fav of mine. i ordered and received this poster below, but of course in the {butter.yellow} color...i think it will be perfect for right over my crafting desk.station.corner!

another thing that i have been loving so much is this sign that i made that goes above my bed...i got the idea from blogger 'julie parker photography' who got her idea from blogger amy at 'sweet sweet life'...

this one above is amy's...

this one above is julie's...


and these above are of mine....taken via blackberry and in awful lighting, but i'm in LOVE with it!!! it puts me in the best mood every time i go into my bedroom....

all of this room modifying has come from lil' mariah who has been obsessing literally over getting to move into dana's bedroom and decorate it just how she wants. luckily, i had a night off of school last week so we went shopping...we started off with a few baked goods from kneaders, headed to ikea, and of course ended up at a shoe store....i love her though...definitely my best friend, well one of them at least...



no we didn't buy those hats, but we definitely should have....

The Little Blue House is FOR RENT! now if only i could afford it...

this could most literally be my dream california house. one of the blogger's i follow, aka rachel thurston photography, has been living here since i started to follow her blog. it really is the ideal california house and really would be a dream come true to be able to live here or somewhere very similar. gosh, if only i were done with school, making tons of money, and could just pack myself up and move and be so incredibly happy....if only, right?! well i might as well put some information about it just in case anyone else is looking for their dream house in california...

however, as good fortune might have it, i could be very possibly going out to california this weekend, something i've been longing to do before the year is thru. maybe i'll be able to convince my travel partner to drive into this cute little neighborhood and take a look...but i do have to say, even the mere thought of being able to go to cali if only for a couple days has made me the happiest i've been in a long time...

man, i need to graduate fast!

• Walking distance to downtown Culver City, with w movie theaters, trader joes, a farmers market every Tuesday, a lot of great restaurants including Fords Filling Station and Tender Greens.
• Jackson Market literally next store for deli sandwiches and a stick of butter when you’re in a bind.
• Right around the corner from Carlson Park.
• Right next to Sony Studios.

The house is the perfect size for 1 person and fine for 2 people if you enjoy being with each other.

Only 1 bdrm, 1 bath. A whopping 520sq feet.

It has a huge backyard, front yard and a detached garage for storage. Plus a driveway that can park 4-5 cars.

The rent is month to month and is only $1250. For this neighborhood it is a steal.

It is available starting Nov 1st.

Address: 4055 Jackson Ave. Culver City, CA 90232

Please email rachel if you are interested and she can put you in touch with the landlord. rachel@rachelthurston.com.

It is such a great spot and they wanted to give their friends firsts dibs. Pass the word around!!