doesn't get much better....

Acceptance.Happiness.

let me just start by saying, i'm truly the happiest right now that i've been in my entire life. never before have i felt that i finally know what/who i am, i know how to identify my feelings, and i know what i deserve....i know i'm not all the way where i need or want to be, but it's so close i can feel it!!! i just want 2011 to get here!! it's kind of crazy how life works out...now i don't believe in coincidences. i believe that everything happens when it's supposed to happen, or i guess i should say when our heavenly father wants it to happen. it's weird how we get answers to prayers, but so great when we recognize them as what they are, which are answers....in better words, life seems way too good to be true right now, and i have a hard time accepting that that's what i deserve...but it is the best.scariest.happiest.thrilling feeling to have, and i truly have never been happier....

now i want to share something that the wonderful Jenny Morrow gave me that i just love and really can't get enough of her and her incredible being. she is truly one of the most quality people i've ever met, which shouldn't surprise me seeing as Jules is her sister, but it's just so amazing to me how inspiring these two can be!

btw, Jules cd release was on Friday, {preview here} and it's been in my cd player in my car since the day i got it. i am so proud of you Jules and really so happy for you....i know that you have worked so hard and are so exhausted, but gear up for your future because i can tell you this is just the beginning...

now for some words from a book given to me by Jenny....

Recognition is the first principle of transformation. When we are stuck in our life, we must begin with the willingness to see what is so. It is as if someone were to ask us gently, "Hey, what is really happening now?" Do we reply brusquely, "Nothing?" Or do we pause and acknowledge the reality of our experience, here and now?

With recognition we step out of denial. Denial undermines our freedom. The diabetic who denies his body's illnesses is not free. Neither is the driven, stressed-out executive who denies the cost of her lifestyle or the self-critical would-be painter who denies his love of making art. The society that denies its poverty and injustice has lost a part of its freedom as well. If we deny out dissatisfaction, our anger, our pain, our ambition, we will suffer. If we deny our values, our beliefs, our longings, or our goodness, we will suffer.

There is a powerful opening that comes whenever we truly recognize what is so. "The emergence and blossoming of understanding, love, and intelligence has nothing to do with any outer tradition. It happens completely on it's own when a human being questions, wonders, listens, and looks without getting stuck in fear. When self-concern is quiet, in abeyance, heaven and earth are open."

With recognition our awareness becomes like the dignified host. We name and inwardly bow to our experience: "Ah, sorrow; and now excitement; hmmm, yes, conflict, and yes, tension; oh, now pain, yes, and now, ah, the judging mind." Recognition moves us from delusion and ignorance toward freedom. "We can light a lamp in the darkness," says Buddha.

We can see what is so.

i.love.my.mariah

what should be an extremely hard week has been an exceptionally good week...there's definitely a lot of different people to thank for that especially my heavenly father and the constant companion he is. but i do have to thank mariah. she's not only my sister, but most literally one of my 6 eternal best friends who is truly there for me whenever i need her. i love her and i love all my family for that matter!

i had not only one but two conversations on the phone with dana this week which was a nice change of pace and made me so excited for her to come home. she's such an inspiration and it was so fun to hear her voice and all of her stories. plus, she's a great listener which is what i needed. she's coming home in less than two weeks too!!!! yay!

constance, jory, jules, katrina, breck, curtis, becca....just to name a few more who deserve special thanks you's...

also i have to thank someone else, but i'm not sure if i'm ready for this person to make their debut on my blog just yet, but this person has been so great and understanding and patient and more than i could ever deserve or ask for and all the above...

for all these things {people}, i'm grateful!

let me leave you with this...

"for a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. you want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. a kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air... when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything."

- grey's anatomy-

happy.halloween!!

halloween has never been my favorite holiday, but it's definitely during my favorite time of year. i never want the fall colors to stop. in hair. in the trees. in fashion. it's easily my favorite time of year so i hope it sticks around for another second or two. one thing i do like about halloween however is the pumpkin carving...mmm it's my favorite so {mariah} and i carved out lil' jack.o.lanterns this week. we named them mario and luigi. luigi{mariah's} on the left, mario{mine} on the right.

it ended up being a good weekend though. lately i've been really disciplining myself to not let things eat away at me forever and to just move on. i had two instances that really tested my own self-control and awareness to talk myself out of a bad mood and put myself into a good one. i couldn't do it without friends and people to talk to. it's incredible what talking about it can do and help so much! i know this will sound funny, but to blast the music and sing really loud in your car is a great medicine. you don't care who sees or even hears it, all you're thinking about it getting whatever is keeping you down out of your mind and focused on other things.

i did go out to lunch with two great friends that i haven't seen in forever whose blogs you can see here {katy} and {jules}... i went on two fun dates this weekend with two different fun guys and to breakfast with {breck} on saturday at ruth's diner, so i'd say my weekend was filled with friends and no dressing up {thank.goodness}. i can't believe it's november!

by the way, {jules} convinced me to run in the salt.lake.city.marathon in april so i have my training schedule and i'm ready to go! 26 miles is freaking far though....

i did purchase another poster/print to frame and put in my room. i think it's wonderful and i really do love it. plus, i think EVERYONE needs this reminder almost every day...you can find more like it here at {nick.agin's} etsy online shop.

identify your coping mechanisms....{jenny morrow}

a coping mechanism is a strategy used to deal with suffering, discomfort, fear, abandonment, and pain. they are natural, "mortal" responses (fight, flight, & freeze responses) created in out childhood for emotional (& sometimes physical) survival. if they were not created by and used by a child, the child would be overwhelmed. a coping mechanism is a way to construct boundaries to protect the personality.

the problem is that most of us continue these coping mechanisms into adult life, which then continues an erroneous pattern of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are use whenever the person is in discomfort (their perception of being physically or emotionally unsafe). the result is that the situation or problem creating the discomfort is not evaluated as an adult but is reacted to through historical (child) thinking. the person reacts to a situation as if it is the same unsafe situation it was in childhood. ["i am afraid of men."] the true event is lost in the coping mechanism reactivity which re-enforces the feelings of fear even when the situation is safe. the focus then is upon the doing of the mechanism to stay safe. this prevents taking in new information, awareness, and feelings that would provide the ingredients to a rational response.

the following reflects many of the common coping mechanisms carried over from childhood by adults (or created later in life in response to emotional overwhelm that is still viewed from helpless, childlike perspective).

deny having a problem.WITHDRAWAL.rationalizing.FORGETTING.sleeping a lot.CREATING CHAOS.hiding behind partner.OUT-OF-BODY.not sleeping.REPEATING ABUSE.avoiding men.DEPRESSION.avoid discussing abuse.ANXIETY ATTACKS.feeling guilty.BLAMING SELF.blaming others.NEGATIVE SELF-TALK.victim of life.DISTRUST OTHERS.physical problems.OVEREATING.under-eating.ANGRY OFTEN.crying inappropriately.ACT CONFUSED OR DUMB.substance abuse.PASSIVE BEHAVIOR.underachieving.OVERACHIEVING.dissociating.TRANCE.self-mutilation.HYPER-VIGILANCE/EASY TO STARTLE.overspending.HOARDING.suicidal thoughts.PROMISCUOUS.act out violently.OVER-EXERCISING.take what is said or done personally.STAYING BUSY TO AVOID FEELING & THINKING.need to be in a relationship to feel okay.UNABLE TO DEFINE WHAT I NEED OR WANT.rigid and controlling behaviors-coercion, advice giving, manipulation, acting helpless.IGNORE PROBLEMS OR PRETEND THEY AREN'T HAPPENING-DENIAL OF IMPACT, EFFECT, OR IMPORTANCE.will not set boundaries in relationships to insure my rights are respected.SEXUAL ISSUES IN MARRIAGE.staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships

-Jenny Morrow/Licensed Individual, Marital, Family, & Group Therapist

she's really such an amazing person and everything she says to me or talks to me about, i am continually amazed with how right on she is! i love her and i love seeing her.....well on a totally different note....

a vintage poster has quickly turned into a fav of mine. i ordered and received this poster below, but of course in the {butter.yellow} color...i think it will be perfect for right over my crafting desk.station.corner!

another thing that i have been loving so much is this sign that i made that goes above my bed...i got the idea from blogger 'julie parker photography' who got her idea from blogger amy at 'sweet sweet life'...

this one above is amy's...

this one above is julie's...


and these above are of mine....taken via blackberry and in awful lighting, but i'm in LOVE with it!!! it puts me in the best mood every time i go into my bedroom....

all of this room modifying has come from lil' mariah who has been obsessing literally over getting to move into dana's bedroom and decorate it just how she wants. luckily, i had a night off of school last week so we went shopping...we started off with a few baked goods from kneaders, headed to ikea, and of course ended up at a shoe store....i love her though...definitely my best friend, well one of them at least...



no we didn't buy those hats, but we definitely should have....

{angus.mitchell} in salt lake city

had the opportunity at school to meet the son who keeps up the genius of a little guy we like to call paul.mitchell...

all of my beautiful friends and i with {julian} left and {angus.mitchell} right...

what happens in {vegas}....

so on account of all of the weird personalities i've been experiencing with myself lately, my friend constance and i thought it would be extremely appropriate, and more importantly a blast, if we went to vegas for the weekend...we were both in need of the best healing medicine on the planet, some serious sun!

i'm lucky enough to have the very best friends in the whole world, ashley and miles reynolds, who so kindly let us stay at their house for the weekend. the plan was to go down and stay with them and they try to sneak into a pool on the strip...however, we quickly realized that was impossible, so on a very spontaneous note, we got a room at mandalay bay for the night, and it was soooooo worth it! the pool was perfect and just what the doctor ordered....and i don't know how everyone else feels about the bellagio, but i could sit there for hours just to watch the fountains. it's the only peaceful thing about las vegas, the only thing that you can really just watch and nothing else around you distracts you....mmmm so nice....

i do have to say it was quite weird being on a trip without trev, for seriously the first time in a long time, but i couldn't have gone with a better friend! she was awesome and helped me keep my mind off of things....

and to top it all off, i got to talk to dana on the phone for like 2 hours on our drive back.....much needed weekend? i think so....

Who woulda' thought...

When i got my calling to teach the Valiant 10 class in the primary back in July, i didn't think there was going to be anything to it. I kept thinking what a piece of cake it would be, but quickly realized what a huge learning experience it was going to be...

I know they look super sweet and like they are little angels, which they are, but the equation of any 12 kids under the age of 12 is quite a challenge to say the least...


This picture is definitely a more accurate account of how they really are. They are almost always crazy almost all of the time. However, this last Sunday was our Primary Program and it truly was the most moving one i have ever attended. Now i can't decide whether or not it's because i'm their teacher or what, but there were 5 times that i can remember tearing up and hoping they didn't turn around and see me...

This calling has really helped me, not only with my patience, but with my scripture reading and always trying to have the spirit to help me know what these kids need from me. For some, it's just a friend, or an adult that gives them attention and listens to what they have to say. It truly has been one of my biggest blessings this year and i know if i told them this they would think i was such a baby, and they may never know how much i appreciate them, but i truly do more than they'll ever know...

6 Weeks!

Okay six weeks is seriously insane! i can't believe how fast time is flying. I'm excited that i get to see my best friend again...he really is loving missionary work so much which is exactly how it should be so i'm just so happy that i've been a very little part of this journey with him...

i don't think that in the 8 years we have been friends that we've gone even a day without talking to each other and to have him leave for two years has been really different. However, the more i think about it, all the things and all of the ways i have grown up in the past two years, i couldn't have done with him here i don't think. I have learned so much about myself and made decisions on my own that i know i wouldn't have if he had been here...

Now don't get me wrong, once a week one-ended conversations have been such a blesssing and really helpful, but i know it's been just the right dosage...

I can't wait to have him home!!!

Only 7 weeks left...

Yesterday marked the 7 week mark of the day that my best friend in the whole wide world is coming back from his mission in Rome, Italy. He is having the time of his life and loves being a missionary so much, however i, along with his mother especially, am very excited to have him back.

The funny thing is that these past two years seem like they have just flown by, but whenever i think about everything that has happened and all the ways in which i have grown, it seems like he has been gone for forever.

It's crazy to me that it's so soon. I know that week will sneak up on me and i won't even know what hit me, but i can't wait!

Chris is so amazing and i don't know what i would do without him in my life!

I love you Chris and i'll see you in just a few short weeks!